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COMMA VIEWS
An English teacher writes the sentence “a woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and asks the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men write:” A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women write: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
ROOM SERVICE
An old lady checks in at a large city hotel for the first time in her life. The porter says he’ll show her to her room. But as soon as he opens the door, she begins to complain: “Do you think that just because I’ve come here from the country, you can put me in a room like this? It hasn’t even got any windows!”
“Don’t worrry,” says the porter. “This isn’t your room. It’s the lift!”
THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
A HIGHWAY LESSON
When a policeman sees a car driving along the highway at only 22 miles per hour, he thinks, “Driving this slowly is as dangerous as speeding!” and stops the car.
Five elderly ladies are inside, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver asks:”Officer, what have I done wrong? I was doing 22, exactly the speed limit!”
Smiling, the officer explains that “22” is the name of the route, not the speed limit.
“But before you go on,” says the policeman, “is everyone in this car OK? The other ladies look like they’re really afraid – and they haven’t said a word.”
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”
BEST TEST
It’s exam time at the university. The professor tells the class that any exam paper that is not on his desk in exactly two hours will not be accepted, and the student will fail. After two hours, all the students turn in their exam papers, except for one, who continues to write. Finally, he attempts to put his paper on top of those already on the professor’s desk.
“I’m not going to accept that,” says the professor. “It’s too late.”
The student looks astonished. “Don’t you know who I am?” he asks.
“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” says the professor.
“Good,” says the student, and quickly shoves his exam paper into the middle of the pile.
Who’s who?
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everbody’s job. Finally Nobody told Anybody, so Everbody blames Somebody.
What it means to be British?
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers “what it means to be British?”. Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland...
“Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.”
Paper Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
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